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I went on a trip with The 40-Year Old Barrel Virgin.
He's a surfer, just like you or me, except Donny made a few wrong turns in life, and ended up married to a beautiful girl, three kids, living in the valley, with a high paying finance job. Hey, we all make mistakes. But now things are looking up for Donny, whether he knows it or not: recently his wife left him, meaning more time for surfing and selfishness. We brought Donny along on a surf trip to cheer him up.
"But come on," Donny said. "Haven't you seen Sprout? Guys are ripping on these boards! This board worked great at the 'Bu last weekend!" We all groaned again. Donny watched Sprout more frequently than he surfed. He also wore skinny hipster jeans, iPhone with Bluetooth headset, and limited edition Marc Jacobs Vans Slip-Ons. The groaning got louder when Donny pulled out his second board: A down-rail pin-lined 6'6" quad Lis-inspired fish with lovingly laminated wood fins. "Chuck Norris rode a retro quad by mistake once," Donny's brother stated. "Chuck Norris snapped off the fourth fin and used it as throwing star to sever the jugular of the kook who loaned him that quad." "But this one will work for sure," Donny hopefully suggested as he pulled out his third board: a eucalyptus and hemp keel twin with organic pine tar glassing. "Chuck Norris might smoke it or burn it, but he sure as hell wouldn't ride it," Donny's brother growled. "No, really," Donny pleaded. "The wood has the glide. I'll definitely get barreled on this." And that's when it happened. We all looked at each other for a moment, blank expressions on our faces, as we tried to picture Donny getting barreled. Nothing came to mind; not one image from all the long decades we'd been surfing together. "I've like totally been in the green room, you know, um, like pumping up and down and stuff... and then when the spit comes, that's the best part, it feels like a, um... like a spit massage or something."
"Wait," I said. "Donavon, have you ever even been barreled?"
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"Oh, sure," Donny stammered. "I've like totally been in the green room, you know, um, like pumping up and down and stuff... and then when the spit comes, that's the best part, it feels like a, um... like a spit massage or something." It was all the confirmation we needed. Donny was a 40-Year-Old Barrel Virgin. How could this have happened? How could Donny have gone all those years without getting tubed once, by mistake even? Ashamed by the very concept, we grasped at an easy target: blame the Retro Boards. End of Page 1 The 40 Year Old Barrel Virgin, Page 2: The Case Against Retro Boards The 40 Year Old Barrel Virgin, Page 3: The Consequences of Retro Boards SURFLINE HOME PAGE |
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Comments: (202)
Surfline Editor 08/09/2008 06:37 PM
Hey everyone -- thanks for your 201 (!) comments. That's a record for Surfline, and Lewis obviously struck a nerve. This is a great thing. For those of you who haven't, please read all three pages -- and note how page 3 has a pic of Samuels getting barreled on a semi-fish. The message is to not take it all too seriously. It's just surfing. We're closing down comments for now. But this proves one thing to us: you guys are smarter than many people think -- and funnier, too. Stoked.
corky beachglow 08/09/2008 06:30 PM
Dumb story dumb author. Doesn't matter what you ride, it's how you ride it. I've ridden boogie boards in the tube and back in the day, rode a balsa 10 footer and got into the green room many times. Dorks and Barneys write garbage like that after peroxiding their hair and spraying on a tan.
Oh the Irony 08/09/2008 06:24 PM
Funny thing, but right next to the link to this article on the Surfline home page is an add for Bustin' Down the Door w/ a photo Shaun Tomson deeeeeep at Backdoor(?)
Photo is here: http://www.bustindownthedoor.com/
bananananana 08/09/2008 05:50 PM
too many Chuck Norris References, other than that pretty interesting about the retro fad.
cookies 08/09/2008 05:47 PM
People ride those boards because they typically can't surf a regular shortboard. Riding a shortboard just take more skill, simple as that. It's for dudes who always wanted to ride a regular thruster but could not and did not want to be "un-cool" and have to ride a funboard or log. Some marketing scheme hatched out of southern California's odd-ball surf industry to get more fools in the water who should not be there.
cookies 08/09/2008 05:35 PM
The truth hurts eco-hipster sea urchin on chin beard wearing mate sipper.
bobby navarro 08/09/2008 05:11 PM
Riding the tube is all about ur ability in the sport. no matter what board u ride, u can get barreled. Board design only comes to play when the surf gets very serious and very hollow. As far as I'm concerned, a properly made thruster made to ur weight and height is the best design made to date. I am 52 years old and i have been surfing since 1969. Take it from me, a well made thruster made to fit is the weapon for the serious stuff.
chuck norris 08/09/2008 04:58 PM
i should roundhouse you all to the face
wave slider 08/09/2008 04:53 PM
I've read every single response on this article, and my conclusion is that EGO MAKES THE WORLD GO 'ROUND. Most of you are just taking offense to something that was meant to be humorous. It seems the only person who has a firm grasp on what all this surfing stuff means is "bj hobknob", take a read at what he has to say.
Deep Water 08/09/2008 04:04 PM
tube riding was invented on single fins. this articles makes no sense. The guy is just pissed that he sees guys killing it on single fins and he cant even place in his qs' events. I hate southern california
08/09/2008 03:59 PM
I'd like to know which shapers make these crap retro boards, 'cause it aint Larmo, Dj, Malcolm, Ian, or Mitzven. Anyone who knows about board design knows these new shortboard quad fish rip off the top and in the barrel. Bonzer roundpin step up is a perfect indo board. retro boards are in fact kinda lame, since board design has come so far. It just passed the potato chip, if you missed it.
Retro Fashion Smasher 08/09/2008 03:40 PM
The only thing successful about this article is that a lot of people are commenting on it. It looks like most of the opinions, like mine, are that it's a stupid idea to "blame" boards for anything. The ocean doesn't care about fashion. I'm in my 50's, my smallest board is 6'3", the biggest (gun) 6'10". I've surfed lotsa board types, and prefer the modern. Whatever you like is what is right. Stop letting the corporate yuppies tell us what surfing is supposed to "look" like. Shut up and surf.
Paul Casey 08/09/2008 03:30 PM
I think everyone should ride the same board and it should be an Al Merrick. Also, we should all model our style on the pros only. If you can't do an air, practice one on every wave. Otherwise, you're not surfing right. Oh, only 3 fins allowed per board. Nothing else works. No colored boards--resin tints are anti-barrel.
Thin-lipped 08/09/2008 02:36 PM
Would the other mind letting us know where these perfect-thin-lipped-barrels-you-couldn't-help-but-get can be found? Is it El Porto? It's El Porto, isn't it?
BootiesAndBoardShorts 08/09/2008 02:26 PM
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Comments are closed on this story.
Nothing compares to my 7'6" floral print hybrid. I own Bolsa Chica.
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